Tuesday, November 26, 2013

10 Reasons Why You're 10 Steps Away From 10 Ways to Know the 10 Things 10-Point Article Writers Won't Tell You About the 10 Signs That You Are Reading Way Too Many 10-Point Articles

You've seen them in your multiple feeds. You thoroughly skim them. You share them eagerly. You have many of them bookmarked, and maybe even one open in a tab at this exact moment. They're everywhere! You know what I'm speaking of. You guessed it, my friends, I'm speaking of the infamous 10-Point Article (10PA)

"10 Reasons Why" this. "10 Things" that. "10 Secrets of" etcetera. They cover all the bases. From finding love to being a better boss; from warning signs that your spouse is cheating, to things doctors won't tell you about saying "Aaaaaghhh." All of life's questions about any subject can be answered in exactly 10 points.

It's perfect...a perfect 10, that is. Nvm.

Why the obsession though? I read these pretty impulsively, like you. I see links to them on Twitter, Facebook, and in text messages from my friends. Life coaching is only a touch of an iPhone screen away, and touch away I do. But, am I consuming these little self-help nuggets in excess? Am I spending too much time reading, saving, and sharing "10 Steps To Overcome Being an Introverted Extrovert?" I just wish there was a way to... Waaaaaaaait a minute...

Let me take it upon myself to serve our planet with my very own first 10PA. Without further ado, here are:

10 Signs That You are Reading Way Too Many 10-Point Articles

  1. You have 6-8 tabs open and all of them are 10PAs.
Wait. There's a deeper question. It shouldn't be overlooked that the authors of these articles don't know me, nor I them. How can I be certain that the author of "10 Ways to Find True, Lasting Heartbreak" truly want what is good for me and my peeps? Are their expertise legit? I'm sometimes suspicious that they're just amateur writers posing as professors and CEOs and love doctors. You know, I get the hunch that I'm not being told something when I'm scrolling from point to point. You know, I bet there are ways to know... waaaaaaaait a minute...

Without further ado, here are:

10 Things 10-Point Article Writers Won't Tell You About the 10 Signs That You Are Reading Way Too Many 10-Point Articles

People keep secrets these days. Even when trying to help someone discern if they are reading way too many 10PAs, there are always things that are not said. You may take every point of "10 Secrets to Being a Better Secret Keeper" to heart and feel grateful for such surfacey platitudes, but there's always an agenda. You've taken the bait. 10PA writers are always eying the next move, and every point you internalize is moving them closer to their desired outcome. Sad, I know. Here's what they won't tell you: 
  1. These authors want you to read their stuff, so they won't include they dropped out of journalism and need followers to regain lost dreams...
Hold up. I believe we are getting ahead of ourselves here. We're still a ways away from being ready to pull back the curtain on these jokers who are likely using the cash from "10 Things Your Pet Won't Tell You About Not Being Able to Talk" to buy bath salts. Because the truth sometimes hurts, you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to have that kind of bomb dropped. Consider this next section the manufacturer who installs the air-bags into your car to better your chances of surviving a head-on with reality. You're 10 steps away from being ready...

10 Reasons Why You're 10 Steps Away from 10 Ways to Know the 10 Things 10-Point Article Writers Won't Tell You About the 10 Signs That You Are Reading Way Too Many 10-Point Articles

We're 10 steps away from knowing the truth about what people won't tell us about the signs that you are reading way too many 10PAs. We're 10 steps away because the truth hurts, and we need adequate preparation. But, hey, the truth is, we read too many 10PAs as it is, so you can go ahead and close this tab...but wait. What I won't tell you is that my agenda for writing this is to get us all to laugh at ourselves next time we find ourselves (or our friends) sharing yet another 10PA. At the end of the day, one of the best "self-help" strategies is to take a good ol' look at life and just laugh at our silly mistakes trust that our circumstances that are working to better us as peeps. Read on about 10 Ways to Find the Perfect Man/Woman, or 10 Reasons to Let Go of the Past, or 10 Reasons Why Dating a Bartender is Awesome. Just know that if you can't laugh at yourself you're DEFINITELY gonna be a prime suspect for one who reads way to many 10PAs.

Anticlimactic, probably. Whatev. Hope you enjoyed.

1 comment:

Adam Cates said...

Soo...How about some new posts on here? I'd even settle for a book review.
Get to work on that right away, please.